Man Claims Maiden Victory Over Flu

DURBAN (TPM) - A resident was discovered today to have scored the first ever victory over man flu. A source for TPM witnessed the man fist pumping and throwing down 'smack talk', seemingly to thin air. When asked, the man explained he'd been feeling increasingly nasel over the last few days and had woken this morning to extreme facial blockage.

"I thought I was in for a full blown; I'm-going-to-die-give-me-soup-and-Daytime-TV Man-Flu. But then I beat that bitch back! Yeah!! Wooo!!!" The man could not pinpoint what to credit for this phenomenon he just added "In your Face! Woooo!!!"

A biologist from the local medical university said "The complex structure for the many strains of the flu virus are still being sequenced. Only once this work is complete will Humanity have hope of achieving what that douchebag did. Hey, I've got a bastard of a cold right now and I've had it for a week. If you told me I could suck the serum out of that guy I'd be on my knees so fast."


Lay opinion remained divided "What a Weiner, I don't know what he's so happy about. Soak up the sympathy and enjoy the snacks, It's a couple of days off work right?" was the voice of one man. A local Woman said "Oh he's better is he? Well I guess he can help out around the house then or take care of the kids, or maybe clean up or wash the clothes or something." The Man was not available for further comment.

Reality Check

LA PAZ (TPM) - The UK got the wake up call it so sorely needed today when charity 'Rythmix' told Syco Productions Fuhrer Cowell "Stop using our name on X-Factor or we'll fucking sue your badly trousered ass!"

A spokesperson for Rythmix said "We're a charity, we're always grateful of celebrity affiliation and publicity but not at any fucking cost. The chubby one in that shit band with our name run by the Greek lass looks like a shaved Ewok."

Fans of the show were asked for their reaction, if the name of the band is important, "Dunno who you're talking about mate. Misha B's still innit though right? Misha B's still there yeah? Oh an Frankie yeah?  Aww I luv im!"

X Factor Management conceded that when it found out it had effectively been stamping around like a retarded Goliath on the reputation of an honourable organisation the decision to relent and change the name came after executives discussed the topic with a series of grunts and snorts.

The thrust of the discussion was centred on whether the band could survive a change this late in the game, whether the existing name had actually penetrated the hearts and minds of the nation. Had the name resonated with their fan base and laid the foundation of their longevity. This was before they realised they'd forgotten who the fuck they were taking about.

The charity, who help the disadvantaged young of the South East create and record their own music, were asked if they would like to work closer with X Factor, and perhaps look to get some of their students to stand in the 8 hour queue to receive ritual humiliation or fleeting glory. "Don't be fucking daft, I hope our kids have got more dignity than that. It's not that I've got anything against the judges, I just think they're all c^$£s."

A media commentator speculated this must be how people with values view the show "A couple of genuinely talented and fame hungry individuals are surrounded by the talentless and desperate, like slurry round a fence post. Hey, if a charity is distancing itself from this money machine surely that is the litmus test for pure evil right? But I'm still hypnotised by that bullshit, ITV Saturday night Baby!"

When Simon was asked for his comment he peaked over the top of his belt to say "Meh."

Tech Wars...

I love reading about Tech Giants swinging for each other. It's escapism. From my humanly regulated temperature controlled working environment I have been known to giggle childishly while reading something profoundly nerdy, like Google bidding Pi for the Nortel patent portfolio while pitted against a six-strong consortium including Apple, Microsoft, RIM and Sony... Were they bored, or are they just the coolest cats in the whole world?  Anyway Google happen to be in my Battle de jour...

Google v Oracle

This one's all about code. The mystical language which makes our shiny toys work. Oracle bought Sun Microsystems, who owned Java. They then made a stern claim Google had pilfered some of its code to run the phenomenally successful Android platform. 


Google, and their CEO Eric Schmidt, formerly director of software engineering at Sun Microsystems, say '¿Que?.'


Mostly troops rally around Google publishing articles highlighting the code Oracle are talking about is just test code and wouldn't have actually made it into the Android DNA. This is roundly accepted as being really difficult to prove. So Oracle put in a bill for $2.7bn, royalties for every Android handset sold.


In a completely unrelated move over at Google HQ, James Gosling becomes a new member of the family. Not that it's relevant, at all, but James Gosling is the founder of Java script and former VP of Sun Microsystems. On his blog James said "Not sure what I'll be doing, a bit of this and that I expect." 


In my mind, when James turns up for his his first day he is welcomed and offered a coffee. After this the words I expect he heard were "Well James, this is our legal department, you'll be working in here with these Guys for a couple of months." Google, you're stylin'.


The presiding judge has 1) told Oracle to come back to the table with a realistic number, and 2) Told both parties to talk to each other, like grown ups.


Will they? Not likely in the short term. What does make things slightly awkward for Oracle is a blog post by former Sun CEO Jonathan Schwartz, in 2007, when he was very much acting CEO;



I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of others from Sun in offering my heartfelt congratulations to Google on the announcement of their new Java/Linux platform, Android.  Congratulations!


I'd also like Sun to be the first platform software company to commit to a complete developer environment around the platform, as we throw Sun's NetBeans developer platform for mobile devices behind the effort. We've obviously done a ton of work to support developers on all Java based platforms, and were pleased to add Google's Android to the list.


And needless to say, Google and the Open Handset Alliance just strapped another set of rockets to the community's momentum - and to the vision defining opportunity across our (and other) planets.


Today is an incredible day for the open source community, and a massive endorsement of two of the industry's most prolific free software communities, Java and Linux.



Oops... All that said, there is still certainly a case to be answered and all this will end when a judge drops a hammer...


...to be continued.


Next time - Apple v Sammy

Take Time Out...

The below image is fresh out of Sirte and is quite frankly remarkable. What a Dude! I know there are stories of James Blunt rolling round Bosnia in a tank division with a guitar, but that's just transport, he actually played it round a camp fire like a Girl Scout.  This warrior is jammin' on the front line!

It does make you think though;  We really all should get away from the daily grind more than we do.  Walk away from the lathe, park up the truck, turn of the monitor, put down your automatic weapon.  Quite frankly since giving up smoking I rarely leave my desk.  Perhaps learning an instrument is the answer?

Psychologists will agree too. It would work as an excellent source of respite. Aiming and firing at Gaddafi Loyalists is very much a right hand side of the brain function.  As is reloading and coordinating manoeuvres. In fact all war things are quite logical (in a brain activity sense rather than ethically or morally). But music, very abstract and left hand side, so all good. Its re-energising. Or re-loading to maintain a military parlance... Sketching'll do it too.

Though the Chap recreating a very Banksy image is more likely to be a motivational musician. Something morale boosting. I truly hope he is taking requests.  Either way, whether it's his own traditional material, The Kinks, Kasabian, he's pulling it off with aplomb. As a test, please feel free to fire wildly into the air at a Blunt concert, just to see if his dignity remains intact and his underwear unstained too.

Our Libyan Mariachi is undoubtedly the Star of this shot however please give a moment to the Chap firing some very heavy artillery, in sandals.