Police Repatriate Pennies

DAR ES SALAAM (TPM) - Police Downtown are today launching the 'Penny Amnisty' initiative aimed at rebalaning the economy by returning lost pennies to their owners.

A local Police Enforcer said "We have a unique view on the global downturn and we see this as a way to help out.  Its very simple; if you have found a penny, ever, then bring it in to us. We will reunite it with its owner. Let's remember that penny, It's not yours."

A Government Spokesman said several organisations had been considered for this project "Banks were short listed. On paper they are in the perfect position to administer something like this but there were issues. Quite frankly I don't trust those fuckers any more.

The National Association of Librarians were also short-listed. Their Nationwide network and diligent staff were highlighted as positive aspects of their tender.  However it was not awarded to them because We can't fucking stand librarians."

Social commentators were unsure how effective this initiative would be "Doesn't this all balance itself out on its own? I lose a penny, I find a penny? Some people are going to view this as another tax. Which will undoubtedly go toward paying for the obscene amount it is costing for the police to carry out genetic investigation to return this money."

"It is our sworn duty to make a concerted effort to return lost property, especially if this is legal tender, to the citizens of our nation, even if you do think its a dumb idea." Was the rebuttel from the police spokesperson.

"Are you all fucking mad?! Which owner do we want it going back to? The fucking moron who minted it?! I've got one in my pocket here from 1963, who's the rightful owner? I'm going to go ahead and say Me! They're compounding the problem, why can't anyone see that! Fuck!!" Said a Man passing by the launch.

The police say they look forward to good public participation. They warn that students suddenly appearing claiming to have lost their own weight in pennies will be tasered and teabag'd while unconscious.

Man Never Been Delayed

OSLO (TPM) - A frequent flyer working out of the City declared today he has never had a flight delay "I have been incredibly lucky. I've been flying a couple of times a month for 10 years now out of various airports and never once has a plane taken off later than its sheduled time."

This remarkable achievement has not gone unnoticed by his collegues "I think he's got a horseshoe up his arse or something." Said the Mans boss. Another colleague remarked "If one of those planes crashed I'd probably get his job, which would be tragic."

"All credit has to go to the guys in air traffic control really, they're the guys making sure those birds run on time." Said the Man.

A representative of the Federation of Air Traffic Controllers was asked for comment on the mans remarkable achievement "It all has to be bollocks. My opinion, He's a fucking liar."

The Mans' Wife was asked if she felt lucky to be married to a minor aviavtion celebratory "I think the Tart he's been buying lingere for at the other end of those flights is getting lucky, but we'll chat about those reciepts together when the media circus leaves town."

Industry expert, Ryanair owner and general gobshite Micheal O'Leary said "He's clearly not travelling on my fecking planes. If he can get planes to fly through shitting ash clouds I'll give him a job myself."

The Man is currently trying to establish if he can commercialise this remarkable aviation fortune he has by being a 'buddy' for time constrained business men "You tell me where you have to be and by what time, I'll book 2 tickets on the latest flight to get us there. One Gentleman has used my service a lot recently, I think he might be homosexual."

Sources close to matters revealled Airbus and Boeing are both negotiating a programme of medical testing to identify if anything biological can be harvested and potentially incorperated into the manufacturing of commercial aircraft. A leaked quote was "I'd strap him on to the nose like a freakin' truck mascott if it meant our planes left on time."

The next flight the Man is scheduled to take is to Aruba with a a client "Will he get lucky? With the flights, Yes, with my ass, No."