Police Repatriate Pennies

DAR ES SALAAM (TPM) - Police Downtown are today launching the 'Penny Amnisty' initiative aimed at rebalaning the economy by returning lost pennies to their owners.

A local Police Enforcer said "We have a unique view on the global downturn and we see this as a way to help out.  Its very simple; if you have found a penny, ever, then bring it in to us. We will reunite it with its owner. Let's remember that penny, It's not yours."

A Government Spokesman said several organisations had been considered for this project "Banks were short listed. On paper they are in the perfect position to administer something like this but there were issues. Quite frankly I don't trust those fuckers any more.

The National Association of Librarians were also short-listed. Their Nationwide network and diligent staff were highlighted as positive aspects of their tender.  However it was not awarded to them because We can't fucking stand librarians."

Social commentators were unsure how effective this initiative would be "Doesn't this all balance itself out on its own? I lose a penny, I find a penny? Some people are going to view this as another tax. Which will undoubtedly go toward paying for the obscene amount it is costing for the police to carry out genetic investigation to return this money."

"It is our sworn duty to make a concerted effort to return lost property, especially if this is legal tender, to the citizens of our nation, even if you do think its a dumb idea." Was the rebuttel from the police spokesperson.

"Are you all fucking mad?! Which owner do we want it going back to? The fucking moron who minted it?! I've got one in my pocket here from 1963, who's the rightful owner? I'm going to go ahead and say Me! They're compounding the problem, why can't anyone see that! Fuck!!" Said a Man passing by the launch.

The police say they look forward to good public participation. They warn that students suddenly appearing claiming to have lost their own weight in pennies will be tasered and teabag'd while unconscious.

Man Never Been Delayed

OSLO (TPM) - A frequent flyer working out of the City declared today he has never had a flight delay "I have been incredibly lucky. I've been flying a couple of times a month for 10 years now out of various airports and never once has a plane taken off later than its sheduled time."

This remarkable achievement has not gone unnoticed by his collegues "I think he's got a horseshoe up his arse or something." Said the Mans boss. Another colleague remarked "If one of those planes crashed I'd probably get his job, which would be tragic."

"All credit has to go to the guys in air traffic control really, they're the guys making sure those birds run on time." Said the Man.

A representative of the Federation of Air Traffic Controllers was asked for comment on the mans remarkable achievement "It all has to be bollocks. My opinion, He's a fucking liar."

The Mans' Wife was asked if she felt lucky to be married to a minor aviavtion celebratory "I think the Tart he's been buying lingere for at the other end of those flights is getting lucky, but we'll chat about those reciepts together when the media circus leaves town."

Industry expert, Ryanair owner and general gobshite Micheal O'Leary said "He's clearly not travelling on my fecking planes. If he can get planes to fly through shitting ash clouds I'll give him a job myself."

The Man is currently trying to establish if he can commercialise this remarkable aviation fortune he has by being a 'buddy' for time constrained business men "You tell me where you have to be and by what time, I'll book 2 tickets on the latest flight to get us there. One Gentleman has used my service a lot recently, I think he might be homosexual."

Sources close to matters revealled Airbus and Boeing are both negotiating a programme of medical testing to identify if anything biological can be harvested and potentially incorperated into the manufacturing of commercial aircraft. A leaked quote was "I'd strap him on to the nose like a freakin' truck mascott if it meant our planes left on time."

The next flight the Man is scheduled to take is to Aruba with a a client "Will he get lucky? With the flights, Yes, with my ass, No."

Man Claims Maiden Victory Over Flu

DURBAN (TPM) - A resident was discovered today to have scored the first ever victory over man flu. A source for TPM witnessed the man fist pumping and throwing down 'smack talk', seemingly to thin air. When asked, the man explained he'd been feeling increasingly nasel over the last few days and had woken this morning to extreme facial blockage.

"I thought I was in for a full blown; I'm-going-to-die-give-me-soup-and-Daytime-TV Man-Flu. But then I beat that bitch back! Yeah!! Wooo!!!" The man could not pinpoint what to credit for this phenomenon he just added "In your Face! Woooo!!!"

A biologist from the local medical university said "The complex structure for the many strains of the flu virus are still being sequenced. Only once this work is complete will Humanity have hope of achieving what that douchebag did. Hey, I've got a bastard of a cold right now and I've had it for a week. If you told me I could suck the serum out of that guy I'd be on my knees so fast."


Lay opinion remained divided "What a Weiner, I don't know what he's so happy about. Soak up the sympathy and enjoy the snacks, It's a couple of days off work right?" was the voice of one man. A local Woman said "Oh he's better is he? Well I guess he can help out around the house then or take care of the kids, or maybe clean up or wash the clothes or something." The Man was not available for further comment.

Reality Check

LA PAZ (TPM) - The UK got the wake up call it so sorely needed today when charity 'Rythmix' told Syco Productions Fuhrer Cowell "Stop using our name on X-Factor or we'll fucking sue your badly trousered ass!"

A spokesperson for Rythmix said "We're a charity, we're always grateful of celebrity affiliation and publicity but not at any fucking cost. The chubby one in that shit band with our name run by the Greek lass looks like a shaved Ewok."

Fans of the show were asked for their reaction, if the name of the band is important, "Dunno who you're talking about mate. Misha B's still innit though right? Misha B's still there yeah? Oh an Frankie yeah?  Aww I luv im!"

X Factor Management conceded that when it found out it had effectively been stamping around like a retarded Goliath on the reputation of an honourable organisation the decision to relent and change the name came after executives discussed the topic with a series of grunts and snorts.

The thrust of the discussion was centred on whether the band could survive a change this late in the game, whether the existing name had actually penetrated the hearts and minds of the nation. Had the name resonated with their fan base and laid the foundation of their longevity. This was before they realised they'd forgotten who the fuck they were taking about.

The charity, who help the disadvantaged young of the South East create and record their own music, were asked if they would like to work closer with X Factor, and perhaps look to get some of their students to stand in the 8 hour queue to receive ritual humiliation or fleeting glory. "Don't be fucking daft, I hope our kids have got more dignity than that. It's not that I've got anything against the judges, I just think they're all c^$£s."

A media commentator speculated this must be how people with values view the show "A couple of genuinely talented and fame hungry individuals are surrounded by the talentless and desperate, like slurry round a fence post. Hey, if a charity is distancing itself from this money machine surely that is the litmus test for pure evil right? But I'm still hypnotised by that bullshit, ITV Saturday night Baby!"

When Simon was asked for his comment he peaked over the top of his belt to say "Meh."

Tech Wars...

I love reading about Tech Giants swinging for each other. It's escapism. From my humanly regulated temperature controlled working environment I have been known to giggle childishly while reading something profoundly nerdy, like Google bidding Pi for the Nortel patent portfolio while pitted against a six-strong consortium including Apple, Microsoft, RIM and Sony... Were they bored, or are they just the coolest cats in the whole world?  Anyway Google happen to be in my Battle de jour...

Google v Oracle

This one's all about code. The mystical language which makes our shiny toys work. Oracle bought Sun Microsystems, who owned Java. They then made a stern claim Google had pilfered some of its code to run the phenomenally successful Android platform. 


Google, and their CEO Eric Schmidt, formerly director of software engineering at Sun Microsystems, say '¿Que?.'


Mostly troops rally around Google publishing articles highlighting the code Oracle are talking about is just test code and wouldn't have actually made it into the Android DNA. This is roundly accepted as being really difficult to prove. So Oracle put in a bill for $2.7bn, royalties for every Android handset sold.


In a completely unrelated move over at Google HQ, James Gosling becomes a new member of the family. Not that it's relevant, at all, but James Gosling is the founder of Java script and former VP of Sun Microsystems. On his blog James said "Not sure what I'll be doing, a bit of this and that I expect." 


In my mind, when James turns up for his his first day he is welcomed and offered a coffee. After this the words I expect he heard were "Well James, this is our legal department, you'll be working in here with these Guys for a couple of months." Google, you're stylin'.


The presiding judge has 1) told Oracle to come back to the table with a realistic number, and 2) Told both parties to talk to each other, like grown ups.


Will they? Not likely in the short term. What does make things slightly awkward for Oracle is a blog post by former Sun CEO Jonathan Schwartz, in 2007, when he was very much acting CEO;



I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of others from Sun in offering my heartfelt congratulations to Google on the announcement of their new Java/Linux platform, Android.  Congratulations!


I'd also like Sun to be the first platform software company to commit to a complete developer environment around the platform, as we throw Sun's NetBeans developer platform for mobile devices behind the effort. We've obviously done a ton of work to support developers on all Java based platforms, and were pleased to add Google's Android to the list.


And needless to say, Google and the Open Handset Alliance just strapped another set of rockets to the community's momentum - and to the vision defining opportunity across our (and other) planets.


Today is an incredible day for the open source community, and a massive endorsement of two of the industry's most prolific free software communities, Java and Linux.



Oops... All that said, there is still certainly a case to be answered and all this will end when a judge drops a hammer...


...to be continued.


Next time - Apple v Sammy

Take Time Out...

The below image is fresh out of Sirte and is quite frankly remarkable. What a Dude! I know there are stories of James Blunt rolling round Bosnia in a tank division with a guitar, but that's just transport, he actually played it round a camp fire like a Girl Scout.  This warrior is jammin' on the front line!

It does make you think though;  We really all should get away from the daily grind more than we do.  Walk away from the lathe, park up the truck, turn of the monitor, put down your automatic weapon.  Quite frankly since giving up smoking I rarely leave my desk.  Perhaps learning an instrument is the answer?

Psychologists will agree too. It would work as an excellent source of respite. Aiming and firing at Gaddafi Loyalists is very much a right hand side of the brain function.  As is reloading and coordinating manoeuvres. In fact all war things are quite logical (in a brain activity sense rather than ethically or morally). But music, very abstract and left hand side, so all good. Its re-energising. Or re-loading to maintain a military parlance... Sketching'll do it too.

Though the Chap recreating a very Banksy image is more likely to be a motivational musician. Something morale boosting. I truly hope he is taking requests.  Either way, whether it's his own traditional material, The Kinks, Kasabian, he's pulling it off with aplomb. As a test, please feel free to fire wildly into the air at a Blunt concert, just to see if his dignity remains intact and his underwear unstained too.

Our Libyan Mariachi is undoubtedly the Star of this shot however please give a moment to the Chap firing some very heavy artillery, in sandals.

Greece; Know. Your. Place.

I'm afraid you can't attend international toga parties saying "Yes we are marvellous aren't we. Have you seen our marbles?" You are a lead weight round the neck of a continent. Or more specifically, a pissed of Union.

Today, after much lobbying and debate the German government agreed by majority to increase the bail out fund to £330 billion. If you'd like to see that numerically, just for impact, it looks like this; 330,000,000,000.

Greece; be in no doubt your decaying economy and infrastructure were at the very front of their minds when the Germans decided to put their hands in their pockets and fill that emergency pot up just a little bit higher...

And today's reports out of Athens?  Messages of love for the International support they're getting? Merkel posters and Hasselhoff albums selling out? No. Protesting. Protests focusing anger at the austerity plans implemented by the government.

Apparently these people are from the 'spend money to create work' philosophy. And it is a sound one. The ol' 'speculate to accumulate'. Thing is, you need to have something to speculate with, and Greece; you haven't got any fecking Money!

Anyway let's cut straight to it.  Protesters - You are not going to be remembered as part of the Arab Spring. I know your country is bitchingly hot, but you need better credentials than that to pull of regime change.

Suck it up and accept your country has to tighten its belt for a few years. If things mean you need International support well today that has been secured. Yes it will be unpleasant but it is necessary. You know what before you know it you'll be back at the party... and you might even have enough green in your pocket to buy Germany a drink.